UPDATE! For YOU!

As you are well aware, I haven't updated Night of the Blog in a while. That is because I am hard at work on something extra special for you to enjoy! What might that be? Well, it's Grandroid of course, and it will be coming right at you very, very soon. In the meantime, get your hopes up in time to be sorely disappointed when you finally see what we've been doing.

Cheers!

10,000 BC: a review for your personal exploitation

10,000 BC is a delightfully subversive indie rom-com about a drug-addled caveman and his wild quest for true love.

Scratch that. 10,000 BC is a bowl of crap.

Footnote: I loved it.


An explanation is in order. Several years ago I discovered I have a rare and difficult to cure illness-- that being the seemingly mad consumption and enjoyment of bad Hollywood movies. 10,000 BC feeds this disease with great doses of horrendous movie-making, effectively satiating my hunger for another week when the next batch of trunch hits projectors like a fury of locusts.

The movie is indeed about a caveman (played by Steven Strait, the main dude from The Covenant-- another gloriously retarded movie), only slightly more groomed than those good men of the Geico and sporting whiter teeth. After caveman's girl(Camilla Belle) is taken, he ventures out into the great unknown with Cliff Curtis to outrun massive, prehistoric dodos, make friends with at least three different African tribes and defeat an albino Marlon Brando straight out of The Island of Dr. Moreau. That not enough for you? There is also Battlecat from He-man, Xerxes' voice and a tall Deep Roy or Deep Roy's taller brother.

Do the math (by addition) and what do you get?. Magnificence. The point is, if you too suffer from secret-terrible-movie-lover-itis, you will find great delights hidden within 10,000 BC and its many mentally askew elements. It is at once a bonkers terror-show and a transcendent rush of slightly chilled arctic waters. It is both parts of the oreo, if both parts were made of octupus insides. It is non-sequiter and brilliant. It is 10,000 BC.

The Watchmen cast revealed! Nerds rejoice!

Comic connoisseurs the world over have known for years that Alan Moore's The Watchmen is one of the greatest (if not the greatest) graphic novels of our time. It's dissection of the modern superhero, clever criticism of the genre and keen (and fatalistic at times) exploration of topical social-political circumstances made it an instant classic, and one finally up for a motion picture adaptation.

The movie is being directed by Zach Snyder who most recently brought us the estrogen-charged romantic comedy 300, starring the dainty and effete Gerard Butler in the leading role. Before that, Snyder terrified Zombie lovers everywhere with a remake of Dawn of the Dead, a film I haven't seen but have heard from numerous sources to be quite charming. Zombies for tea! How delightful!

But I digress. Since the announcement of The Watchmen, nerds everywhere have been clamoring for a look at the cast in full costume, a fervent prayer Zach and crew finally answered earlier today. We'd already caught glimpses of Rorschach, the slightly unbalanced ink-blot wearing member of the group, but here we get to see the remainder of the gang, with the notable exception of Dr. Manhattan, the exceptionally powerful blue guy who spends a lot of time on mars. Trust me, it all makes sense... to a shut-in like me.

The disturbed looking chappy above is The Comedian, a pleasant fellow indeed. Head on over to the official Watchmen movie website here to check out the rest of the pictures and pick up a copy of the graphic novel to catch up on all the dysfunctional superhero goodness.

Lohan in the House

The E! Network has green lit a new bastard reality series called "Living Lohan", a fascinating new program all about Lindsay Lohan's manager mother (her name be Dina) and aspiring performer of a little sister (the one they call Ali). The series will showcase little Ali's aspirations to greatness by attending an esteemed university, er, trying to break into movies and landing record deals. "Living Lohan" will join the ranks of other E! classics like "The Simple Life" and "The Girls Next Door". The excitement is palpable.

I see this and the instinctive, guttural reaction is to shake my fist towards the heavens and ask "why?", but before I am allowed my humble moment of self-superiority, that all-to-familiar sensation of sinking defeat sets in and instead I bury my face in my hands and cry softly.

When is Hollywood, and the general public for that matter, going to cease the shameless exploitation of drug-abusing, mentally unstable, affection-starved young women? I already know that answer and it is never. We are nothing more than sad, sickly and deprived ingrates when we stand by and watch as the pathetic are mined for entertainment's sake. Let us one day grow up and leave that world alone. Or at least turn off the E!.

Upon consideration of my words I realize that I myself am perhaps perpetuating this madness by giving it even the slightest significance and coverage. Some luck I'm already sobbing because of great shame!


Don't worry, Ms. Lohan; some day your prince will come.

Food Thoughts #1

To all that give the slightest damn about their goodly bodies: please, for the love of all that is kind and generous, never eat at an all-you-can-shove-into-your-face-hole buffet in Mesquite, Nevada. You will rue the day.

These are the kind of delights you find in hell.

DVD Recommendations 3/3/08

Hey there, loyal readers (haha!), it is time for another DVD recommendation (haven't there been so many already?).

This week's recommendation comes courtesy of Warner Premiere: it's the DC Universe animated original movie, Justice League: The New Frontier, based on the Darwyn Cooke graphic novel of the same name (well, similar name; the book was called DC: The New Frontier).

I read the Cooke book (I just got far too much pleasure out of that rhyme than I really should have) a few years ago and it has been one of my very favorites ever since. Not only is the art style right up my alley with it's retro, art deco feeling, but the storytelling really shines with an alternate history retelling of the time period closely following the Korean war.

Just like the graphic novel, The New Frontier focuses mostly on Justice League members Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter (who happens to be one of my favorite DC Universe characters). Problems arise, however, when the animated film begins to feel a little loose and disjointed-- hardly allowing enough time for each of the characters, especially some of the lesser ones, to really stand out. The movie also fails in many respects to fully explore much of the social-economic and geo-political strife at the time, instead opting to only briefly reference these disturbances in passing. It may have worked better in the comic, where I could dwell on each frame, giving them all the time I needed to reflect on their significance, whereas in the DVD things felt rushed in order to compliment the seventy-five minute running time.

Things I did like: Jeremy Sisto as Batman. His confrontation of J'onn J'onzz is incredibly cool.

That being said, Justice League: The New Frontier is an enjoyable picture, especially for fans of the characters and Darwyn Cooke's work. Despite being somewhat disappointed, I will agree with others that there are still moments of brilliance in The New Frontier and I recommend it to comic book lovers everywhere.

AdVANTAGE: POINT -- Movie Review

Friday night I saw what just might be the best movie of 2008: Vantage Point.

What is Vantage Point you might ask? It is the directorial debut of television auteur Pete Travis who brought us-- what else-- television show episodes. Travis clearly honed his skills on the small screen because Vantage Point delivers up compelling, up close and personal drama in figurative spades.

Vantage Point is a taut political thriller that takes major risks. Told through multiple perspectives, the film centers itself around an attempted assassination of the American President, played wonderfully by Tom Skerritt. Where Vantage Point differs from similar cinematic offerings is in it's poignant and topical conclusion when the villains, a group of ambiguous Spanish terrorists, receive their comeuppance at the hands of a wayward little girl in search of her possibly exploded mother. The terrorists, having single handed annihilated hundred of U.S. government secret service officers, try to avoid hitting the girl with their stolen ambulance (an obvious geopolitical allegory) and roll the vehicle multiple times, killing it's evil occupants. The president, however, emerges the twisted wreckage unscathed (possible symbolism?) where he reunites with Denis Leary, a down and out former bodyguard, in tender embrace. The chilling, foreboding final words"Podus is in the hand" send theatre patrons back to their homes with a broadened perspective of the terrible plight of the peoples of the Sudan and some regions of the arctic.

All in all, Vantage Point was a fantastic experience and one that I easily and whole-heartedly recommend to anyone with a love for timely political drama.


President Skerritt delivers a rousing address to a heathen nation

Product Recommendation

I found a great new piece of software yesterday while perusing the shelves of a local Apple computer reseller (the computers of champions). It's called Animations Plus 3D 125,000 Animated Clipart (or quite possibly Animations Plus 125,000 3D Animated Clipart-- it's difficult to tell), brought to us courtesty of Animation Factory. Basically, Animations Plus 3D 125,000 Animated Clipart is a collection of over one-hundred thousand and another quarter of a thousand high quality animated pieces of clipped artistry and allows you, as the box promises, to "start using right away in popular software such as "Outlook", "Outlook Express", "FrontPage", Powerpoint" and "AOL".

The wide array of applicable uses isn't Animations Plus 3D 125,000 Animated Clipart only selling point. In fact, there are possibly dozens of legitimate reasons for purchasing a copy of Animations Plus 3D 125,000 Animated Clipart, many of which may in fact make you a better person or lead to you a life of sanctified religious devotion. For me, I like Animations Plus 3D 125,000 Animated Clipart because its crunchy. And it demonstrates some of the best three-dimensional computerized models and "animations" I have ever seen. One look at the exotic, beautiful woman dancing some exotic, beautiful dance on the box (containing the software) will have you shouting in a agreement: "Animations Plus 3D 125,000 Animated Clipart delivers on it's lofty promises and then some!"



I plan on returning to the store and purchasing Animations Plus 3D 125,000 Animated Clipart very soon.

The Meatball Cometh

A friend and I went out to eat last night. We wanted Italian, so we stopped by a local restaurant just before closing. The eatery appeared questionable (filled to the brim with unsavory family-type characters) but our waitress was fantastic. Not only did she accommodate our eccentric behavior, but she went the extra mile to make our dining experience that much more exciting. Case in point: this restaurant (which shall remain unnamed so as to protect a certain bonkers automobile/entertainment mogul) had an item on the menu that promised a supposedly monstrous meatball (the size of a small child). Given our somewhat contemptible history with falsely advertised meatball proportions, we were suspicious. Lo and behold, the waitress-- that good angel of the supper-- swooped down from her heavenly perch and provided respite by, get this, offering to take a picture of the purported giant ball of meat with my iPhone. Truthfully, we asked her to, but she went and did it nonetheless.



So great was this act of benevolence and unselfishness on the part of our dear and kind waitress that I promptly ordered the meatball and ate part of it and the spaghetti upon which it was nestled. Was it good? It was meatball.

The moral of the story: when thou art in great need and the powers of shadow and darkness conspire to ruin thy meal, thy waitress, good matron of the kitchen, shall set thee free from all foul menu hesitance.

Indiana Jones and OMG.

In case you haven't heard, the first trailer for Lucas/Spielberg's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has been unleashed on the unexpected, yet feverishly dreaming masses.

In case you have been living under a rock, or even worse, eating rocks, Indiana Jones is the ongoing serial adventure franchise that follows a charismatic professor/adventurer on his daring exploits the world round in search of mythical ancient artifacts. Indiana Jones carries a whip and wears a fedora. He also kills Nazis. If you had to read this paragraph in order to familiarize yourself the character... then shame on you.

As for the trailer itself, it proves to be a slightly awkwardly edited reintroduction to the series we all know and love. I happen to love in ways more inappropriate, but that is besides the point. This film had better be fantastic or I'll have Lucas' head on a lightsaber.

Forget that; the head on the lightsaber thing would be kind of sick, seeing as it wouldn't stay. I'll just have a Gamorrean guard break his legs. Holy hellfire, I am such a nerd.

You can see the HD trailer here.

Writers Strike to end this week?

With regards to the ongoing writer's strike in Hollywood, this weekend has been a tumult of rumors and leaks that things are on the up and up. Supposedly the strike will end with the first of the week and writers may be back on duty as early as Wednesday.

Please, for the love of all that good and pure in the world-- like a newborn baby or a soft and cuddly lamb or kitten-- be true. Please be true.

The strike has been a frustrating necessity as the WGA has sought to negotiate fair dealings concerning online content profits and the like, and we the viewers have suffered greatly because of it. I mean, it had to happen, but when we get classy shows like Fat March and an American Gladiators comeback (Hulk Hogan in tow) we pray with earnest hearts that things are settled as quickly as possible and with a minimum of casualties. Hell, with some of detritus on the menu this year I'd practically beg for new episodes of Heroes. And that show stinks more than Ethan Hawke after a fun run. Maybe if we all hold hands and lift our voices to the sky in a unified chorus of desperate couch potatoes we can work some magic and ensure an end to the strike. Or at least annoy the neighbors (who just love the Singing Bee so they have it coming).

Now if they did a Fat American Gladiators, I might buy into that.


Meet TITAN, Fat Gladiator X-TREME... CHEESEBURGER!

The boat just became smaller.

Film and television actor Roy Scheider passed this weekend after a long and difficult bout with cancer. He is perhaps best remembered police chief Brody from director Steven Spielberg's sophomore blockbuster, Jaws. His filmography was varied and interesting and we have certainly lost a solid talent in the industry. Rest in peace, Roy.

Mom and the Carnage Monster

I took my mom to see Cloverfieldd today. I told her it was a romantic comedy.

Here's the strange thing: even after seeing the movie she still believes it is one.

A Kernel of Truth

"The greatest burden is that of great potential."
-Charlie Brown

My man Brown said that-- the quote up above. When he did, he spoke the truth.

Everyone of us has the inherent capacity for greatness. We are all able to achieve something beyond mediocrity and the status quo. So why is it that so few of us ever do? Why is it that when given the choice between the ordinary and the inspired, we make the uninspired, ordinary election? Because being plain is easy, holding back is light and sitting out is more than satisfactory. The sad fact is that doing something more, being something better, doing something grand is always and unfailingly more difficult. It required effort. It requires passion. It requires soul. And that, my friends, is the greatest burden of all.

Super Tuesday!

It is Super Tuesday everyone and you know what that means! Make sure to take a few minutes out of your hectic schedule to quietly reflect on your favorite caped crusader. Be it spandex-clad comic book heroine or silver screen, fly-by-night vigilante, every superhero deserves to be remembered on this very special day. Don't forget: without our chiseled, justice-serving guardians always looking out for us, we'd be lost in a world of megalomaniac billionaires and psychotic, vendetta-bent clowns. Thank you, benevolent protectors of righteous doing! On this fine Super Tuesday we salute you!

See here as our fearless friends drive back that merciless menace that is the giant squid.

Look at this. Taco Bell is one of the worst/greatest things ever made. The popular fast food chain delivers a unique food hybrid of Mexican originations and American sensibilities. Branded into oblivion with a myriad of edible buzz words and obtrusive packaging, it is lowbrow pop sustenance at it's finest.

The beauty of Taco Bell is that all of the food tastes the same, no matter what you get-- be it Chalupa, Grilled-stuffed Burrito or the Mexican Pizza. The secret is that every item on the Taco Bell item is a different shape and size. It's the defining factor of any organized menu separation. My personal favorite, the Crunch Wrap Supreme, is recognized by it's discus-shaped exterior-- a sort of frisbee meets bean and meat cake perfect for tossing at family parties and neighborhood picnics. A discerning eye will pick it out in the photograph above.

I recommend one and all visit their local Taco Bell food chain and have at the magic. It's one of our good nation's most endearing hallmarks and a grand testament to our cultural achievements.


What did I tell you? Different shapes!


At the end of the day, we have the comfort and security of always knowing exactly what we're going to get: white stuff filled with brown stuff.

Movie of the Update: Sunshine

I meant to see this in the theatre, but it's theatrical run was so short I didn't really have the chance. Now that Sunshine has finally hit DVD, I thought I'd peep the flick and let you know what I thought.

Sunshine, directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 28 Days Later) is set in the distant (or not too distant-- perhaps in-between?) future where our solar system's sun is slowly dying and the destruction of earth and it's inhabitants is eminent. Of course, this is a movie film and that means the nations of the planet and bandied together a crack team of brilliant and handsome astronauts and scientists to resolve the conundrum by flying within a reasonable distance of the star and lobbing a massive bomb into it's core, reigniting the sun and hopefully saving all of mankind. It is a completely unfeasible, ridiculous and scientifically absurd plot.

And yet, it works in a lot of ways. First of all, I'm kind of a sucker for these kinds of films-- stuff like Alien and uh, well, Alien. Even Sphere, a mostly terrible film, has it's moments. I just get a kick out these claustrophobic ensemble pieces that marry crazy science fiction with interesting characters. Sunshine delivers both. Danny Boyle did a fine job putting together an interesting cast of character actors and relatively familiar faces including Cliff Curtis, Michelle Yeoh, Cillian Murphy, Rose Byrne and Hiroyuki Sanada. Even Chris Evans of Fantastic Four fame shows up. My only real complaint regarding the cast would be that we really don't get to know any of these characters very well. There are hints and suggestions of interesting material speckled throughout (I wanted to know more about Dr. Searle) but that's about it.

A little over halfway through the movie things derail just a tad with a plot contrivance rather common to these kinds of shows, but it's not enough of a deal breaker so as to spoil the fun. Danny Boyle, whose previous directorial offering of 28 Days Later reinvented the Zombie sub-genre, doesn't revolutionize the psychological things-go-horribly-awry science fiction film, but he does contribute a solid, entertaining entry. If you are a fan of Danny Boyle, science fiction escapades, or pretty digital effects trickery, definitely check it out because when Sunshine works it shines.

I think I just made myself ill.


As much as I enjoyed Sunshine, I'm especially looking forward to it's hotly anticipated sequel: Moonshine, in which Burt Reynolds and a resurrected Scatman Crothers lead a team of expert basement brewers and distillers on an epic outer-space quest to stop the man on the moon from drinking all of their hooch. Juan Carlos Fresnadillo expected to direct.

The Best Digital Computer Technology for the Video Television Games of the Year 2007!

We've just embarked on the grand adventure that is February 2008, so I figured it's high time I remarked on my favorite video games of 2007. Much to the delight of children and men with peter pan syndrome everywhere, 2007 was a very good year for console gaming. Here are my top three games of the year, in absolutely no particular order (I promise).



Pac-Man C.E.
Pac-Man exists at a peculiar crossroads in the electronic gaming world. It is both accessible to the masses with it's simplistic gameplay (requiring only one steady hand on the joystick to navigate the Pac around his labyrinthian prison) and accepted by the diehards with it's increasingly challenging gameplay as the speed picks up and ghostly pursuers inch closer. Pac-Man C.E. doesn't attempt to reinvent the mechanics of arcade's earliest icon; instead, it compliments them with a few tweaks (including a timer and constantly changing mazes) and by doing so makes it about a billion times better. Didn't think it was possible? Believe.



Super Mario Galaxy
Every once in a great while, a game comes along to remind you why you ever started playing them in the first place. Super Mario Galaxy is one such title, at once a love letter to the founding mascot of modern console video games and a sort of drugged up, euphoric nirvana; a digital kaleidescope of colors and shapes you might want to pluck from the screen and pop into your mouth like sweet, sweet candy.



Bioshock
This is the reason I bought an Xbox 360. For the uninitiated (and shame on you if you aren't), Bioshock tells the story of Rapture, a fallen utopian society built on very Ayn Rand philosophies of culture and commerce, and weaves an intricate story of deceit, moral ambiguity and the depths to which man might fall if consumed by the things that drive him. Developer 2K Boston/Australia created something quite spectacular with Bioshock, a hybrid of first person, adventure and role-playing genres that serves as a sort of spiritual sequel to Irrational Games previous experiment in fear, System Shock II. Rapture is a joy to explore-- an awesome amalgam of art deco, 1940's architecture and steam punk technology. From the very first minutes of the game and long into the twisting narrative, gamers will be enthralled as they uncover the secrets of Rapture and fall in love with this decrepit, broken and beautiful world.


There were other games I had fun with in 2007, but it was these three that I kept coming back to over and over again. Will 2008 offer up similarly excellent selections? Only time will tell.

Feeling glum?

Quick note: If you are looking for a solid motivation for suicide, see Ari Gold's Adventures of Power. It helps!

Festival Sum-up

The Sundance Film Festival has finished for the year; the folks longing to be stars and the folks longing to see stars have all gone home to Tuscon, Glendale and Jacksonville, eager to recount stories of close encounters with famous faces to family and unsuspecting neighbors. I remain in Salt Lake City, mainly because I live and work here.

Most critics seem to agree that this year's festival was rather lackluster-- devoid of any truly outstanding cinematic achievement destined to be remembered for years to come. Usually, there seems to be at least one film a year that offers something special: whether it be the potentiality of a break-out hit with mainstream appeal, the showcase of some new, effortless talent, or just a really good and entertaining movie (Reservoir Dogs, Supersize Me and Sex, Lies and Videotape all started out as Sundance submissions).

Sundance '08 didn't seem to offer any clear cut winners. Despite earlier rumblings of a studio buying spree (courtesy of the upcoming writers strike driven content famine), only a handful of films were purchased by major players-- some of which left bloggers and film geeks scratching their heads in confusion (Sony Picture Classics gets The Wackness?).

Don't get me wrong; there were definitely entertaining movies on display. Time Crimes was fun. I thought Pretty Bird was appropriately nutty. I was deeply moved by The Greatest Silence and with the exception of a few awful entries, I don't regret seeing a single film on my list. That being said, I can't shake the feeling that this year's program just wasn't up to snuff and that, for the most part, Sundance-goers left Park City with not a lot more than their swag-bags and Harry O's hangovers.

Do the Dance! The SUNdance! (Awful, awful title)

We've almost reached the end of the Sundance Film Festival. Here's what I've seen since we last communicated through the impersonal cyber terminal I like to call Internet:

Adventures of Power
The Last Word
Pretty Bird
Time Crimes


That brings the grand total to eleven films so far. I did have a ticket to Fields of Fuel today at 10:00, but I spaced and ended up missing the screening. I need to stop drinking those Costco-size bottles of Nyquil.

Sundance Update!

Remember that list I posted? The one with all the films I wanted to see at Sundance? Well, screw that list (in no particular order) because it has completely changed. I've seen only a couple of movies on that sucker and several more I'd never even considered. Here is what I've seen so far:


Animation Showcase
Blind Date
The King of Ping Pong
Love Comes Lately
Sunshine Cleaning
The Wackness
The Yellow Handkerchief


As you can see, quite a bit different. There are still more to come too; I'm planning on seeing at least ten, which may not be a lot by some standards, but it's as much as I can manage on my meager earnings. I need to get one of those passes next year.

As for my thoughts on all that I've seen, those will come. Or they may go to impressions limbo. A lot of my promises end up going there.

I did it.

I can die in peace now.

I've seen Uwe Boll's cinematic masterpiece, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.


Look closely! Contrary to popular belief, tickets are indeed being sold for this movie film!

I did not dare make the journey alone for fear the film might literally disembowel me with it's greatness-- much as it did a man in Chicago mere days earlier. No, a good friend of mine was along for the ride. We figured the strength of two might protect us from a literal mind blowing experience, one so awesome it would result in instant death.


This employee most certainly had his mind blown.

Upon arrival, we immediately purchased tickets. With only forty-five minutes to spare, who could say if they were already sold out? Luckily there were at least two seats remaining in the auditorium. A tragedy had narrowly been averted.


I've got a golden ticket!

With tickets in hand, we set off to see the film. Would it be as good as we had hoped? Would it be all we had dreamed?


Is this the movie? No silly! it's America's favorite arcade past-time!

Rest assured, humble readers, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale: An Uwe Boll film production was everything we had hoped it would be. And more. Words cannot describe it. I wouldn't dare.

A review of this miracle film is forthcoming.

Sundance Film Festival Two-thousand and Eight

It's finally here, kids-- one of the better reasons to live in or visit Utah: the Sundance Film Festival. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept, the Sundance Film Festival is a ten day explosion of independent cinema. I look forward to what comes out of Sundance every year, and I especially excited about some of the loot on display this time around.
This year I'll mostly be stomping around Park City proper, seeing as I'll be working out of a satellite office for a few days in the mall across from the historic Egyptian theatre. If you're in town, drop by and say hello. If not, well, you are a horrible person.

Despite my enthusiasm for the festival, I am not looking forward to the parking. Heck, I hate parking in all it's forms. You could say I'm an equal opportunity parking hater. But don't quote me on that.

Films I'm looking forward to checking out (in no particular order):

Absuristan
Adventures of Power
Assassination of a High School President
August
Be Kind Rewind
Bottle Shock
Drummer
The Escapist
Fields of Fuel
Great Buck Howard
Hamlet 2
Henry Poole is Here
I.O.U.S.A.
In Bruges
King of Ping Pong
Last Word
Madame Tutli-Putli
Mysteries of Pittsburgh
Phoebe in Wonderland
Pretty Bird
Sunshine Cleaning
What Just Happened?

I won't likely get to all of them, but I'll see how many I can hit. If anybody else gets the chance to visit the festival, let me know what you saw and what you thought. It will make for good times.

It's Evolving!

Despite being relatively "fresh on the scene", Night of the Blog will be evolving over the coming weeks. Unfortunately, I don't think it will evolve into a level 35 Raichu or a level 42 Blastoise. It will more likely be a stomach-churning, slimy primordial evolution not at all dissimilar to a biology textbook entry on ancient creeping things or the massively unfunny Ivan Reitman film with the 7-Up guy (known in some circles as Orlando Jones). Regardless, the blog's eventual evolution should be a gas (freudian slip?) so keep those bookmarks fresh! Whatever that is supposed to mean.
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Story Time! (or lazy filler episode)

There isn't a lot to say right now, so I thought I'd share a story from an earlier, now defunct blog:

Friday Bloody Friday

I made a huge mistake yesterday. Whilst perusing the pages of WiiGamer.com I came across a notice for a special at Toys R Us-- one that featured a Gameboy Micro at a drastically reduced price. It was a momentary lapse of judgement. Despite the
fact that it was almost midnight, I resolved to trek to the store in a scant four hours to retrieve my very own Gameboy Micro.



Little did I know the hell that would be unleashed.

As it turned out, when I arrived at my neighborhood friendly Toys R Us at 4:10 in the mornin' a group of over a hundred had already congregated. Their huddled masses should have been warning enough, but I decided to benture onward and I found my place in line. By the time the store neared opening at five o'clock, another two hundred lost souls had followed my lead and added their poundage to the queue. Many others hovered nearby like vultures, waiting for some poor soul to turn his attention elsewhere so that they might swoop in and claim a position near the sliding glass doors. It was a pitiful sight.

The clock strikes five. The crown twitches in fervored anticipation. A moment later a hulking assistant manager turns the kep and the doors are forced open by the clawing hands of ravenous mothers and frothing grandparents. Several employees are trampled, their fate unknown. I soon find my way into a store alive with the motion of bodies like some demonic wasp nest, barely disturbed by innocent hands but ready to lash out at any unsuspecting fool. I follow the shoddily constructed path to the video games section partitioned off by the fallen corpses of the weak and susceptible. Terrified by these hellish surroundings I hurriedly scan my surroundings for help. I spot a greasey hired hand and ask him what has become of the coveted Gameboy Micros. Much to my defeat, he announces with ominous inflection that they are gone. They are all gone.

I hang my head in shame as I exit the building and leave cess pool of activity behind me. I had failed and not only that, I had gotten up far too early to do so. The warning signs were clear: given my own work history with retail I had great knowledge of the common atrocities committed on Black Friday-- I knew of the evils it produced and the devils it spawned.

Looking back a day later and it is no small wonder that I escaped unscathed with my life. It is one mistake I vow never to repeat. I only hope that others can learn from my harrowing experience so that they might be spared similar depravity and sorrow. Let Black Friday to the hound as the bargains therein found are not worth the sacrifice of mortal soul to fiendish corruption.