Lohan in the House

The E! Network has green lit a new bastard reality series called "Living Lohan", a fascinating new program all about Lindsay Lohan's manager mother (her name be Dina) and aspiring performer of a little sister (the one they call Ali). The series will showcase little Ali's aspirations to greatness by attending an esteemed university, er, trying to break into movies and landing record deals. "Living Lohan" will join the ranks of other E! classics like "The Simple Life" and "The Girls Next Door". The excitement is palpable.

I see this and the instinctive, guttural reaction is to shake my fist towards the heavens and ask "why?", but before I am allowed my humble moment of self-superiority, that all-to-familiar sensation of sinking defeat sets in and instead I bury my face in my hands and cry softly.

When is Hollywood, and the general public for that matter, going to cease the shameless exploitation of drug-abusing, mentally unstable, affection-starved young women? I already know that answer and it is never. We are nothing more than sad, sickly and deprived ingrates when we stand by and watch as the pathetic are mined for entertainment's sake. Let us one day grow up and leave that world alone. Or at least turn off the E!.

Upon consideration of my words I realize that I myself am perhaps perpetuating this madness by giving it even the slightest significance and coverage. Some luck I'm already sobbing because of great shame!


Don't worry, Ms. Lohan; some day your prince will come.

Writers Strike to end this week?

With regards to the ongoing writer's strike in Hollywood, this weekend has been a tumult of rumors and leaks that things are on the up and up. Supposedly the strike will end with the first of the week and writers may be back on duty as early as Wednesday.

Please, for the love of all that good and pure in the world-- like a newborn baby or a soft and cuddly lamb or kitten-- be true. Please be true.

The strike has been a frustrating necessity as the WGA has sought to negotiate fair dealings concerning online content profits and the like, and we the viewers have suffered greatly because of it. I mean, it had to happen, but when we get classy shows like Fat March and an American Gladiators comeback (Hulk Hogan in tow) we pray with earnest hearts that things are settled as quickly as possible and with a minimum of casualties. Hell, with some of detritus on the menu this year I'd practically beg for new episodes of Heroes. And that show stinks more than Ethan Hawke after a fun run. Maybe if we all hold hands and lift our voices to the sky in a unified chorus of desperate couch potatoes we can work some magic and ensure an end to the strike. Or at least annoy the neighbors (who just love the Singing Bee so they have it coming).

Now if they did a Fat American Gladiators, I might buy into that.


Meet TITAN, Fat Gladiator X-TREME... CHEESEBURGER!